Sunday, August 11, 2013

Diary of an Insomniac.

While it's true that we live in a very digital age, where many people suffer from sleeping problems. I do not have a sleeping problem. I have a disorder. It's call insomnia and I've been clinically diagnosed with chronic insomnia. The diagnosis came in when I was about 10 years old after my Grandmother noticed that I'd sleep about 3-4 hours a night.
Mostly I'm used to this. My 'normal' bedtime is around 3 am and my wake time is always 7 am. The wake time is always the same with the bedtime changing. It's something I like to say I'm used to, until sleepless nights show up. Nights like tonight, or maybe this morning because it is now 4am as I write this and I'm wired. I know sleep will not happen tonight. In the afternoon I'll zone out (lose time) for about 10 -15 minutes and then my day will resume as normal. I'll feel normal physically and won't suffer from fatigue or other symptoms that people who don't have chronic insomnia do, but I'll mentally be a mess. I'll be stuck wondering why I don't get to sleep like normal people. I'll end up trapped in my own head wondering what stimuli I should avoid because clearly SOMETHING is keeping me up, even though I know damned well that it's just part of a normal sleep/no sleep cycle for me. I have about 3 sleepless nights a month.
It's a slow torture. One that I should be used to and at the same time I hope I never am.

After a lifetime of chronic insomnia I still hope for sleep. Normal, real sleep the kind that others experience and need. Some day...that will be me, but not tonight. Tonight I'm awake.

2 comments:

  1. I totally understand where you're coming from. I sleep normally around 3-4 hours a night. 5 if I have had a really long day. I have had insomnia for about two weeks now where I am not sleeping at all or maybe 15 to 20 minutes and wake up and then I am wide awake. This usually happens two times a year. Spring and Fall not in the middle of summer.

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    Replies
    1. Yea I just get the one bout of long term sleeplessness. My longest stretch was 14 days. I was hospitalized, but fine. Do you still wish that you could sleep normally?

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