Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Blogember: November 13 - An epiphany you had this summer

I had to really think about this one. A toughie for sure. I had an encounter with my ex this summer, he's been my ex for about 3 years now, but still there was always the hope that he'd snap out of his drinking habit and realize that I loved him. I held out hope that someday we would have our happily ever until we hated each other. I once even told him I'd marry him, and meant it. I suppose adding that I think marriage is silly is an important bit here. I know it works for some of you, but it's just not my thing so let's not fight about it.
Anyway, he contacted me towards the end of the summer and asked if he could come and say some things that weren't better left unsaid and I agreed. We had a wonderful conversation about the 7 years we'd spent together, and apologies for where things went wrong. It was the moment I'd been subconsciously waiting for, for many years. One thing lead to another and he spent the night. The epiphany came in the morning, for several reasons. For starters I don't let men sleep here. I have them leave. Sharing a bed with someone gives me a false sense of security and I don't like it. I also didn't intend on him staying here. I had thought he'd chat, leave and we'd both finally have the closure we were missing.
Alas he stayed and when I woke up and saw him sleeping the way he always slept, realized I'd fallen asleep with my head on his chest like I always used to, it suddenly dawned on me. He wasn't that man anymore. Here he was and things felt the same, they looked the same, though he was more gaunt than before, but they just weren't. It was like something clicked in my head and I realized that I'd been in love with the memory of the happiness of some of that time. I missed something I couldn't ever have back. He couldn't be who he was and neither could I. It wouldn't just go back to this same thing...not in a good way.

That was my summer epiphany.

No comments:

Post a Comment

What's the skinny, leave a note.